Simply said, I feel a certain way about this song. This song that came out of nowhere when I was scrolling through a "Selling Sunset" playlist on Spotify.
This is the image I currently associate with this song:
Which, is funny because I took this image at Hollywood Studios, Walt Disney World, wearing a Greaser Kylo Ren outfit - where I built my Sith saber that morning and found the Kylo Cowl in Galaxy's Edge. But, me getting into why Star Wars and the balance of the Force is so significant to me is a whole other post lol But! Further, I shared this image in one of my college art classes because not only do I struggle with light and dark, like everyone else, but I also have Bipolar II Disorder (which took me a very long time to even accept, going through the five stages of grief). And, which, just wraps it's altogether is when I was really young and I was depressed I was "shades of blue" and my hyper manic tends to be more anger based with "shades of red". (There are just so many layers here it's not even fair.)
For many many years, with everything in my life.... my illnesses, my mental health, my family problems, dealing with people my own age, the rapes, the miscarriages, the abuse, etc etc etc, it was always easier to be mad than sad. I showed that side of me so much more... I showed the hurt side of me so much more because I didn't know what else to do. Faced with just figuring out how to survive... a lot of things go by the wayside, including etiquette and decorum and dealing with emotions. But there's also been this impossibly tremendous fear of not only my depression (blue), but letting people get to know me and get to know my heart (the Light Side of the Force). I have only ever wanted to love and be loved and to have so many people hurt me... every single time I tried? I don't know how I keep trying sometimes.
And I will say... everything about this shot was completely like go-with-the-flow almost candid. I didn't mess with the hood, I didn't mess with anything, I was just focused on holding the lightsabers in place. So the fact that something so important came out of this random vacation moment, (which really looks like I could have planned every single speck of it), is crazy to me.
OKAY BUT ENOUGH OF THAT, here's where my heart bleeds for this song.
Lyrics:
You got cut
On the edge of a broken dream - though I had a lot of physical health issues when I was little, it seems that everything fell apart and my mental illness was triggered early when my parents' marriage collapsed.
Let it hurt
Go ahead and let it bleed - I've learned every which way that emotions are meant to be felt and as long as they don't consume you, feeling them is way healthier than not.
Now the cracks in your soul
Gonna let the light shine through
It's always been inside of you - the most common comment I ever heard about me as a baby or toddler or even young child is "You were so happy"... and I am. I truly, fundamentally am a really happy person (which makes my brain cannibalizing itself that much harder).
With a broken heart, bleeding love - if I am ever known for one thing let it be my endless unconditional love.
You got knocked down, but you got back up
Standing tall on solid ground
You are stronger now - I even argue to my friends that I'm "too strong" because even in my worst depression, my darkest moments, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't hurt myself, and I have never come close to actually killing myself.
Six feet down, you rise up again - in 12th grade, I went to my mom and told her I wanted to be hospitalized for my depression, (which luckily there was a program to do during school), because I just went "no, I can't do this anymore, this is my fucking body, this is my fucking brain, I am going to figure this out".
Through the dark, feel the light come in - the single thing that has stopped me from hurting myself is love... from the love of my little brother when I first attempted suicide, to the idea that I have a soulmate waiting for me, I just can't leave those I love.
Right where you belong
You are stronger now
Your broken wings - I am disabled, my mental illness is a disability, and though people who know me (even my own family) don't see that because I'm "so well"/"so healthy" I struggle almost every day... even simple things like cleaning a cat box or big things like school or work. It took me years, I don't even know how long, (going through the five stages of grief) to finally accept my mental illness, to finally accept my disability and go "It is okay that I need help, it is okay that I am different, it is okay that I'm NOT Normal".
Made you think you would never fly - but even with the acceptance and responsibility for my health and my life and my future, I still have plenty of days that... I cannot help but see the differences and where I feel like a failure.
Looking up
Asking thousands of questions, why?
Why? - I have spent many days and many nights asking why? Why after all of the physical health issues, after all the family drama, after being bullies, after being abused, and raped, and etc etc, why Bipolar ONTOP of that? Further... some days, I begged God for death. I would ask why must I live through all this suffering? Why must I still breathe? Why can't I kill myself? Please, please, PLEASE kill me.
Now the cracks in your soul
Gonna let the light shine through
It's always been inside of you
With a broken heart bleeding out
You got knockеd down but you got back up
Standing tall on solid ground
You are stronger now
Six feet down, you rise up again
Through thе dark, feel the light come in
Right where you belong
You are stronger now
They crushed your soul
Left you to die - the relationship with my ex KK that ended in 2018 because of his murder of me/suicide of him (with a gun) attempt.
You took control - but even before that with all the mental, emotional, and physical abuse, I finally couldn't take it anymore and started hiding my plan to leave.
And say goodbye
You found a better way
And made it out alive - after mental, emotional, and physical abuse (like literally that day, that hour) I stood in front of him with a loaded gun in my face and I fought it out of his hand.
With a broken heart bleeding out
You got knocked down but you got back up
Standing tall on solid ground
You are stronger now
Six feet down, you rise up again
Through the dark, feel the light come in
Right where you belong
You are stronger now
I know people think and will think "just silly love stories" but for now that's what I can offer. Aside from my relationship with my platonic soulmate, Z, I am impatiently waiting for my other dreams to come true - having always wanted to be a mother and wife (since I was a kid).
But even beyond that, I will always share my love with the world. With my writing sure, but I would also love to be there for those who need it - whether it's victims who need to know they're not alone or making a scholarship for people with Bipolar/PTSD or making a foundation for family's with children in the hospital for their bills to get paid or even a freakin' hospice home for pets. Like, there is so much fucking love and good will in my heart that I truly, honestly hope that I can do everything I dream and make the world a better place.